Untitled Vent Post

Usually for my posts I plan out what I want to write about and how I’m going to write it - but lately I’ve been anhedonic about a lot of my hobbies. Consider this post a sort of “ramble” or “stream of consciousness” where I spill out whatever comes from my mind. If that’s not your thing then my next post should be more structured, meaningful, and thoughtful (hopefully).

I’ve been thinking a lot about finding meaning in a world that is scarce in meaning, that is, I’m constantly asking myself why it is I do what I do and what motivates me. I have a lot of interests besides what I write about here. Anthropology, theology, humanities, philosophy, are all subjects that interest me. Ultimately I want to help people, I want to keep learning, and I want to have enough leisure time to enjoy other activities such as painting or writing. In a sense, I know what I want to do but I’m losing my drive and passion.

I think this ultimately goes back to validation. Think about it like this - if you were to write a lengthy, beautiful-written, profound novel that took years to finish on par with The Brothers Karmazov. How are you supposed to get your magnum opus noticed if you don’t have any meaningful connections to a publishing industry? How will you know anyone has read your work without telling you they have? How will you know whether the book was ever even noteworthy if there is no one to praise or criticize it? Put another way, if you as an individual don’t have someone else to acknowledge you as a person, what you do, your thoughts or your feelings - is it fair to say that you even exist? 

This is something I’ve been struggling with a lot lately. Why put in the effort in writing or other hobbies if it won’t benefit me materially, socially, mentally or physically? If these interests have no benefit on my “status” (i.e. my income, my standard of living, my appearance, etc) then I ultimately come away with these two thoughts:

We do what we do because we want others to validate our work and our experiences. A professional chef wouldn’t be a chef if he had no one to cook for, no one to give him compliments, no one to pay him what he is owed for his talents. A person who cooks for their own self is just feeding themself. Likewise, the artist, the writer, and the musician need an audience. The average person needs that other special person in their life (be it a real friend or a significant other) to let them know how much they mean to them - and how different their life would be without them. 

This is something that has been absent from my life for a long time. Anti-depressants such as Sertaline or Citalopram won’t wake me up in the morning with a warm embrace that my body desires or a warm smile that I’ve long been deprived of. For too long I’ve been told to “get over” these feelings and that I just need to ignore these thoughts. I tried to cope with my lack of friends and meaningful relationships with “hobbies” that meant something to me, but gradually the food lost its flavor and is now beginning to taste bitter. If you’re wondering why I go months at a time without contributing to this website, why I leave forums and stop posting, or why I don’t even bother to pick up a pencil - this is why. 

I’m trying new things, however. I’m trying to make the most out of life with what little I have going for me. The start of the Missing Touch YouTube channel is brand new for me and will hopefully kick things into gear… but I can’t say for certain. All I can do now is hope for some sort of change in my life that’ll soothe the ache in my spirit.